Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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