When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
pop tarts are not kleenex
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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