highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Randomize
