your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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