I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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