So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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