i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
