textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
