She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
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