Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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