I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
