Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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