On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
