12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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