Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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