I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
