i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
