Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
