I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
