I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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