I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Green mimosas i think yes
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
