In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
