I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
