My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
