Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Did I turn a man straight...??