I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
