Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
