Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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