OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
