Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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