So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
