his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Randomize
