The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
