hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize