i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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