The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just gargled with NyQuil
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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