he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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