Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
