Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
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When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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