Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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