For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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