My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
