girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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