We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
