Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
