life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
he quoted the bible to break up with me
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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