I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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