I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
