Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
