And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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