He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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