Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
