mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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