She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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