I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
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He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
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I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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