he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
