You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
